The Little Shaman is a spiritual coach & specialist in cluster B personality disorders, with a popular YouTube show and clients worldwide.
Narcissistic people use everything against you. What you love, what you hate, what you've done, what you haven't done... everything. There seems to be no end to the things they can turn against you, blame on you, harass you over and hate you for. The best way to deal with this is, of course, to get away from them, but if you can't do that, or if you have to deal with them in some capacity, there has to be a way to take those weapons away. After all, every villain has their weakness, right?
Well, there is a way. Their weapons are actually not the things they are saying. Their weapons are the way you feel about the things they are saying. They use your own feelings against you. Whether they are using your love for them to manipulate you, or guilt to bully you, or things that get you angry to keep you defensive and off-balance so that they can blame you and take the focus off of themselves and whatever they've done wrong, their weapons are almost exclusively emotional. This is because they are so emotional. Even the ones who seem to show no emotions are usually tortured by self-hatred and shame inside. So they endeavor to do that to everybody else.
It's a neat trick, but it's a weak one because it only works if you let it work. You have to play along or it fails. If they throw everything in the book at you but you just stand there and don't react, now what? They look like a childish and possibly unstable person just saying horrible things to someone for no reason - which is exactly what they are. After a while, they even start to look kind of silly. The childishness and ridiculousness of this behavior start to become really apparent when it's just them participating in it. Even the infamous narcissistic silent treatment works this way. It's kind of pointless to ignore someone who doesn't care that you are doing that. The point is that you are supposed to feel upset that they are ignoring you. If you don't, it's kind of silly of them, isn't it?
This is how you disarm the narcissist. They don't really have any power over you at all. It's your own emotions that have power over you. Get those under control and the narcissist's games will cease to matter. If you notice, everything they say and do is designed to push an emotional button in other people. The key is to stop buying into it. The way you do that is to stop taking it personally. That sounds difficult, but honestly, it isn't. This is a person who doesn't even understand that others are people the same way they are. How can it possibly be personal? If a three-year-old called you names and said awful things to you, you would not take it personally and you certainly wouldn't believe it could be true. It's the same thing because it's the same mentality. You're hearing the grown-up, more articulate version of a three-year-old's temper tantrum. It's not reality. Even they probably don't really believe it. But even if they do, what does it really matter? You can't change their opinion, and how they treat you wouldn't change either way.
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It is your own expectations that are hurting you here. Narcissistic people are not reasonable, rational, realistic or fair. More than likely, the narcissistic person in your life has already proven that to you over and over again. They may have misrepresented themselves in the beginning of the relationship but if you're listening to this, then they've probably already revealed who they really are. It's time to stop expecting them to be some other way because they're not going to be. Your expectations are probably normal and reasonable, but they are not going to meet them. If someone cannot understand what you want from them after months or even years of being told over and over again, maybe it's time to stop thinking they don't understand and start considering the possibility that maybe they just don't care.
Many people believe that if they can make the narcissist understand that they aren't a bad person or aren't doing these things they are being accused of, the narcissist will stop abusing them. This is not the truth. They're generally not interested in who you really are. You cannot convince them because they don't want to be convinced; they are dedicated to their delusions and they will act the same way regardless. The only person who is really affected by it is you. They are simply doing what they do to everybody in your position. It's a very old scene for them and they've played it out many times before. You're just the current person cast in the role.
This behavior did not start with you and it's not going to end with you because it has nothing to do with you. They've more than likely had this exact same relationship over and over and over again. You're simply another supporting actor in a never-ending drama about the narcissist, and quite frankly, to them, it really doesn't matter who the other person is because they are the star. That's why we say don't take it personally. Because it isn't personal. It's personal to you but it's not personal to the narcissist. It's a completely self-centered person using you to play games with themselves. Other people do not matter in this equation. If you need to prove that to yourself, just examine the way they behave. They don't hide it.
Since you're the only person truly affected by the way they feel about you, the way you disarm them is to stop letting them use your own feelings against you. You do that by not reacting to their emotional button-pushing anymore. It really is that simple. You cannot control the narcissist, so you have to control yourself. There are videos on this channel that were created to help people learn how to stop reacting to the narcissist's endless provocations. It's not easy but it is very possible, especially when you realize that you're listening to the adult equivalent of a toddler temper tantrum and you stop taking it personally.
When you take control of your emotions and reactions back, you take the narcissist's power to hurt you away. Because the truth is, it's a scam. It's a lie - just like everything else about them. They have no power. It's been with you all along. The only reason the relationship with a narcissist goes the way it does is because people agree to go along with it, whether they realize that or not. And you don't have to do that anymore.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and does not substitute for diagnosis, prognosis, treatment, prescription, and/or dietary advice from a licensed health professional. Drugs, supplements, and natural remedies may have dangerous side effects. If pregnant or nursing, consult with a qualified provider on an individual basis. Seek immediate help if you are experiencing a medical emergency.